What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 00:04
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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Comes on , in middle age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What can you do if someone makes a false accusation against you?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was seconnd youngest,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So whats the point in blame.
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My life is so biszare .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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I think the readers, may guess!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was 9 years of age.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I write beautiful poetry .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She loved him until the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ive learnt so much.
We were not on the streets..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She married twice! .
I was scared of men, in general
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Put me off passion for life!!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I said to her
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I have no regrets .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
What did i know ?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Especially a lifetime of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is soul school!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was very sick at this time too.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I don,t even have a pension.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It was going to be , some day.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im still living with it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I will be 64.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He knew the spot.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He resisted the act ,that day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When she asked me how she looked .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it wasn’t much.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She found it foreign!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Would this be the day?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot live in the past .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My family never makes their pension either.
She wouldn,t have been !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We all went to grammer schools
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Who then, do I blame.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Was to survive, this bastard.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,